I teach eighth grade.

You’re welcome.

One of the byproducts of my job is that I have become somewhat of an authority on current clothing trends amongst the middle-school set.  There is a fascinating fluidity to their fashion that’s hard to keep up with, but I will share with you the basic principles, just in case you should find yourself amongst them and in need of camouflage. 

Girls—show as much skin as possible.  Push the definition of the word shorts. When choosing a top, be sure to conserve fabric.  If you are bound by your school’s dress code to cover large areas of your anatomy, compensate by wearing the tightest clothing possible.  Rule of thumb—if you can breathe freely, it’s too loose.

Boys—all clothing should be several sizes too big—particularly the pants. Trousers should rest securely at mid-thigh, and should clearly display undergarments.  Shirts should sport pictures of women your parents would never let you meet.  Shirts must be untucked, yet short enough to allow underwear to be seen clearly.  Ears should be pierced by pieces of dowel with a diameter of between 1.5 and 7.25 inches.

This is one of many reasons we homeschool.  So far, the “inappropriate clothing” issue has not reared its head in our household.

Much

I credit homeschooling with much of our ability to avoid this problem.  Our kids don’t spend their days surrounded by—and absorbing the influence of—their peers.  They have avoided the “wolf pack” mentality in most areas of life—including the way they dress.  This has led them to the bizarre and countercultural desire to wear clothes designed to fit them, not the ultra-tiny or ubertubby.

Besides the kids’ good sense, there’s another reason that they dress like people and not like middle-schoolers.

Actually, two reasons.

Mom and Dad

We’ve been proud prudes for fourteen years now, and it’s paying off.   You see, you have to start thinking of dress code years before it could become a problem.  Particularly with girls.   A girl looks cute—and totally innocent—running around in a bikini at the age of five.

Or six

Or seven

Then one day she’s…different…and the bikini look is sending Dad out for shotgun shells.  But how do you suddenly say “No” to a clothing style that she has been praised for since she was a little girl?  When you do—and you should—you’re asking for frustration and rebellion and the inevitable “WHY NOT?”  Then you’re caught between the Scylla of, “Because I say so!” and the Charybdis of a conversation you were hoping to delay for a while.

Scylla and Charybdis?  Look it up if you have to.  I’ll wait…

I’m actually thinking of starting a grassroots campaign.  I’m hoping that my readers—both of you—will join me in a movement to bring back a comfortable, versatile, and thoroughly modest item of apparel…

The Mumu!

Think about it.  Mumus are bright, colorful, totally fun, yet ultra-modest.  They’ll even work for boys—nothing says, “baggy” like a mumu!  I’ve even got the ad jingle forming in my head:

Woo Hoo!!

The Mumu

Is perfect for a 

Kid like you!!

I’m picturing a flash mob, all wearing mumus—we’ll call it the MuMob—dancing and singing and getting their Mu on.  I’ll need a little help with the choreography, orchestration, financing, and of course plenty of MuMobsters—let me know if you want in.  Meanwhile, just share this idea around and see what kind of energy we can create.

While we await the inevitable groundswell of excitement, may I suggest that we share some other thoughts with our kids, other people’s kids, any kids who will listen?

…All of you, clothe yourselves with humility… (1 Peter5:5).

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience (Col 3:12).

…clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ (Ro 1:14).

So what does it look like to clothe yourself in humility, compassion, and the Lord Jesus Christ?  That’s a conversation you can chew on for a long, long time.

I’ll give you a hint, though: the clothes on your back are just a reflection of the attitude of your heart.